This last week has been pretty uneventful. I planned our trip to Spain, which I am so excited about! It's coming up so soon and all I can do is try to concentrate at work, because all I can see is that beach in sight. But other than that, it's been blessedly quiet around here. I had some really horrible gas pain over the weekend that I hope is not a sign of things to come. It was painful and stuck in there, preventing me from any appetite I may have had during a nice meal with the in-laws. I was hoping that once I started religiously taking Miralax that all my gaseous wows and shitty fears would vanish. Maybe Miralax isn't strong enough to fight my overpowering bowels anymore, for evil they are.
Perhaps eating normally would help the matter. I'm starting to get sick of eating anything junky, literally. I feel queasy or nauseous while eating something bad. It must be my body telling me to eat a little better I guess.
I have been feeling the baby kick regularly now, at certain times of the day. It's pretty cute. I can tell she's fast asleep, quiet and beautiful. About 2-3 hours later, I can tell she's starting to wake up. She starts to become restless and active, ready to move and buckle, ready to heave and kick. Her little kicks are stronger now, so much so that Ryan can readily feel them now. It's so dear to see him get excited when he feels her kick. He immediately hugs my belly and whispers sweet nothings into her tiny ear (through my skin).
I can't say enough how blissfully happy I am. I think this is the happiest time in my life. So excited about the future, loving the present, enjoying the possibilities of the joyous times to come, all while still being me and me alone, enjoying the last of the blessed and cursed freedom I have before children. I'm looking forward to our Carmel vacation this weekend and then our Spain trip next week. We so very much need time to relax and get out of here. It's been so long since we've had a proper vacation and for our 10th anniversary on Friday, I believe we certainly deserve it. Enjoying each day as it comes.
I also constantly keep close our past, like that locket around my neck I once wrote about, like an old, dear friend, close and reassuring. To me this locket forever reminds me to be grateful every day, to be humbled in the presence of my daughter. She is truly a miracle for which I cannot explain. Heat breathed life into her doomed little 4-celled body that fateful October day not so long ago. I have no right to feel what I feel today for she appeared destined like the rest of our children. The only reason for her is God and the heat from His breath. Pure and simple. I can't explain any other way. God, giving us what we so badly wanted when we finally had the courage to give up the fight. God, breathing life into her and making her the strong and vibrant spirit I already know she is.
I touch my belly in shock every single day that this is finally happening, that she is in there, all warm and cozy, growing and living. And I thank the Lord for her. I think every day of this feeling of sheer happiness and give it freely to my former self, give my past this beautiful gift of understanding and appreciation. It is wrapped around the feelings I felt not so long ago, those of longing and despair, hugging them until they are inseparable. This gift sends a bundled message of love, a message that it does work, that miracles do happen, that good does prevail over evil, joy conquers sadness, beaming smiles beat biting tears. I send this gift every day to my Before to give me hope, send it to my During to keep me grounded, send it to my After to preserve my faith. I give it in remembrance, in awe, in gratitude, in love, with love, and through love. And my past heals, and my present understands, and my future believes.
Now I know. I will always take with me this bundled gift of heartache and triumph, of lessens long learned in patience and faith, and I will never doubt again. Thank you, Lord, everyday, for this miracle you have bestowed upon us. I feel your omniscient presence in every kick of her little foot. I feel your lessons in every pinch. I feel you through her and it is wondrous.
Newer, bigger pajamas to go along with my newer, bigger belly.