I was always worried that my husband never had an outlet to vent his frustrations or sadness during our struggle with infertility. I can count on one hand the times he fully opened up to me about his grief. They were extremely painful for him to experience and so I could see how he kept his feelings bottled up inside and tossed way in the back of a closet. But still, I always wished he would at least write it down like I did on my beloved outlet, The Cobbled Road, to draw the poison from the body onto paper or screen. Occasionally, I'd have him read my words and he would feel regret for never being able to fully express his feelings, but nothing ever came of it.
This Thanksgiving, he finally wrote something and actually shared it with our families after dinner. It was so therapeudic for him to get a few thoughts down on paper and it was so well written that I asked him if he minded sharing his beautiful words on The Shaded Acorn.
From Ryan, November 22, 2012:
I do not have an outlet like a blog nor have I had any baby showers to say thank you to family and friends (thank God), but I would like to get a couple things off my chest about the last few years.
There is a cliche that it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. If I had to summarize all of the heartache and failure in a few words it would be to say that I was fearful that I would never get a chance to love a child with my wife. It has always been a given that I am the luckiest person on the planet to have found Kensley. I always knew I was fortunate to have the kind of relationship we have, but everything had been so easy for us that I really struggled to deal with our infertility. From my surgeries to her surgeries to my injections to her injections, and all of the failures in between, I know that the worst of everything is behind us. Looking back now, I would not trade that experience for anything because it has set me free to be fearless as I try to inspire Nina to be the type of person she wants to become (and it better fit with my expectations or we are going to have issues).
I have not felt thankful for much of anything over the last three Thanksgivings, but today I want to thank anyone in here who threw up a prayer for us as we went through this journey. I am grateful for your support to gain God’s blessing so I can have my chance to love a child with my wife. Amen.
I am so thankful for Ryan, for his tender heart, and love for this little girl we are about to bring into this world. I am proud to call him my partner in life. These last 15 years with him has been a crazy journey down a cobbled road, filled with beautiful scenery and unexpected roadblocks, stormy nights and and sun-kissed days. I will not say it has been a perfect journey, far from it actually. But perhaps its those imperfections, those unexpected roadblocks that are the "ties that bind, though they are barbed and spined, hold us close forever" (Joanna Newsom). And the love and respect we've found in the depths of Hell has strengthened us to a titanium bond that I can only hope will grow mightier with time.
Thanksgiving Day 2012